A mixed bag of laughs for readers today, no theme, just some Friday Fun.
Two con men go up to 20 blind men and say "Do you want to go on holiday?"
The blind men reply “Yeah, of course."
So the blind men give the fraudsters $2,000 each.
The fraudsters drive them up to Blackpool, put them on the beach and go to the pub themselves.
Whilst there they think that the blind men are going to get bored so they buy them a soccer ball and give it to them.
The blind men go "What’s this?"
"It’s a ball," replies one of the con men.
"Well, we can’t see it!"
Whilst wondering what to do, they spot a donkey with bells round its neck so they go and buy some bells and wrap them round the ball.
Then they go back the pub.
Just then an old woman walks in and says "I tell you, the world today, it’s demented."
"Why?" asks one of the con men.
"Because there’s 20 blind men kicking the shit out of a donkey on the beach!"
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news," God said. Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member, very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
Observing the baby one night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how Ikea can make a crib like that for only $67.50."
A little old lady got on a city bus, and sat down behind the bus driver.
After a couple minutes, she asked him, "Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?", and held up a bag full.
"Sure!", he said, and popped a handful in his mouth.
After eating several more, he asked, "Hey...don't you want to have some of these?"
"Nope," the old lady replied, "Ain't got no teeth! I just likes the chocolate on the outsides!"
I love the cartoons of Dan Piraro, who uses the name Bizarro for hos works. Here are some . . .
Corn Corner . . .
A little boy asked his mother "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?"
"Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you ask?"
"There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards."
"Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave."
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous brunette sitting at the next table.
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.
She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy was amazed.
Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . . (wait for it) . . .
'You just happened to catch my eye.'